I will finish my book today and start another. I will also put some sirloin on the grill which will become jerky in about 4 hours or so. It will be fun to see what it tastes like. The grill setting will be on smoke the entire time.
It was nice this morning as I walked out to retrieve the morning paper at 5:30. What the heck, why does one get up at 5:30 when the first event of the day is 9:00 tennis? Oh, maybe it goes back to 29 years of paper delivery! The sky was clear and the billions of stars and a half moon were beautiful. I had NOT seen that for several days.
week of October 4-October 11 of 1964
It was one of those weeks in one's life that IF you could erase you would do it. Ronald had died on Saturday. It was sudden and it cast a grief-stricken air over the Lee home for a long time, perhaps forever.
I was in the second month of my senior year. I had entered the year full of questions, hope and concerns. ONE of the bright things in my life was Janet/John and Glorine/Ronald, Joan/Ron and Dave. When we could see them life was good. I am not saying life was bad at other times but there were so many questions and changes. Dave had been away from home for some time so I was the solo guy on the farm work. I was so undecided as to what I should do. The football team was a mess with injuries, a new coach and I felt my role as captain was not being carried out in a good way. I thought if we won I was a good captain and if we lost I was bad! I know this was not a good thing but I had girl friend issues too. Somebody should have slapped me on the side of the head but there was nobody to do that! I was also so undecided as to what I should do after high school.
With so many things going on in my head the last thing I could deal with was the death of my older brother and hero Ronald. Life and death happens and his death clouded life and my senior year for a long time.
Back to the week. Mom and Dad came home on that Saturday and one only had to see their faces to know that their world had been turned upside down. Mom often sat by the kitchen table with tears in her eyes and Dad would often spent time in the bedroom with the door shut. Monday came and of course Helen and I were told we would not be going to school until after the funeral. I remember the next few days as if I was in a fog. I was not very good at talking to people BUT there was nobody to talk to me. I mean were Helen and I supposed to comfort each other? Monday and Tuesday went by and I am not sure all that happened except the air was filled with grief and tears. (I think) the funeral was on Wednesday. There would be a service in Kulm and then a procession to Bergen Church where Ronald would be buried. I have seen the movie:"The long long Trailer" and I would say I experienced: The Long, Long, Long Ride. By Wednesday night most things were finished but as I learned going forward life would not be the same.
I told Mom that I had to go to school on Thursday. I knew I would be way behind in my studies and also there had been a physics test on Wednesday which I was NOT prepared to take in any way. I had missed 3 days of football practice and I had no idea what the coach would say as the ranks of good players had diminished to a few. I got on the bus that morning and nobody said a word. I felt as if people were watching me but NOT A WORD. When I got to school I stopped at the office and gave them a paper written by Mom that my brother had died. Actually many in school knew that as one of my teachers, Mr. Wohler, had gone to school with Ronald in Lidgerwood and actually came to the service at Bergen. My physics teacher kind of gave me a look and asked why I had been absent and missed the test. When I told him my oldest brother had died his face changed to a kind smile and said I would not have to make up the test. The football coach, Mr. Murray, took me aside and said I could play the next day in the game but he would hold me out the first quarter because I had missed practice for 3 days. That made about as much sense as a penny to a dollar--not much! Regardless the next day we got blitzed off the football field and I doubt my absence in the first quarter made any difference.
I arrived in Cayuga after the Friday night game and it was the same as a week earlier, no Dad to pick me up. I slowly shuffled my feet towards Grandma's house with what seemed like the weight of the world on my shoulders. No Ronald, an awful football team, a home that for the present was like a tomb with no body and then so much uncertainty as I looked towards high school graduation and beyond. The Vietnam War was heating up and it looked like there might be a draft. That meant I had to go to college which would give me a deferment. Family, girls(I know that should not have been in the mix but it was), school, siblings--all and more rolled around in my head as if I had a wire basket there with bingo ball turning and turning!
As days and weeks went by things changed somewhat but really at any moment death would rear it's ugly head and my life would seem to stand still. Deer hunting came and the void of no Ronald was far far more present than the deer themselves. Thanksgiving came and Mom mentioned NO filled cookies as they were Ronald's favorite. There were also streams of tears as the meal was blessed. Christmas came and went with hardly a smile or laugh. I do NOT remember if Dave, Joan/Ron, Glorine or Janet/John came for the holidays. I kind of think some of them came but really the heavy air of sadness fill every corner of the house and that in turn was reflected in life in general.
To this day can feel Ronald, his life, his death and how that affected our family.
Later this week more tragedy, more sadness but really there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Breakfast is finished, FP is history so it is over to the courts for a bit before I get dressed for tennis and the day ahead.
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