SEPTEMBER 4TH, 1966
It is Sunday and the only thing I have planned is going to church with Mom, Dad and Helen. It is my last day on the farm as I head back to college tomorrow. It has been a very difficult summer to say the least. When I headed to college a year ago I felt that farm life was in the past. I was headed for new and different things and I was kind of excited for that. However now, a year later it seems that most everything is up in the air.
I had told Mom and Dad I would come home for the summer if I had some wheels. After getting my Harley Sprint my life has been great, that is in terms of transportation. Of course a motorcycle is certainly an upgrade from a 5 speed bike! But it has been a very difficult summer. The deaths of Ronald and Janet still hang so much over the farm. Mom and Dad do not talk about them but there is very little joy or laughter in the house. One of the few times I saw Dad with a smile on his face was when I gave him the keys to my cycle on Father's Day. I did not see that smile for very long as he quickly drove down the driveway and did not come back until after dark!
For sure I knew that Ronald's death would mean so so much to both Mom and Dad and it certainly shows in Dad a lot. It seems that Ronald was very much in the center of Dad's life and thoughts a lot. I would not go so far as to say Dave and I, as sons, meant nothing but there is no doubt that in Ronald's death a certain part of Dad died as well.
Of course Janet's death is very much closer to the present as she died only 7 months ago. Often I can see a tear on Mom's cheeks as she sits and knits or reads. Of course that entire spirit has been in the air all summer.
I miss Janet so much but of course not in the same way as Ronald. I had not really thought of what the spirit of the home would be when I told Mom that I would come home for the summer. IF I had known of course I would have still agreed to spent the summer on the farm but now, experiencing it I am ready to head back to Fargo and dive into my second year of college.
My Harley pretty much saved the summer for me. As often as I could I would fill up with gas and head out. Some of the time I would ride into Cayuga and meet up with my friend Larry and we would ride. Sometimes to no place but just ride. Sometimes I would head to the hills to the south and ride around the lakes there. I did not know anybody there but just to be out, about and away from sadness was a relief for me. I did end up connecting with Gail again and we spent some Sunday afternoons riding. I could share about the weekend I rode to Gail's uncle Hugo's cabin in Minnesota. My intent was to ride back Sunday afternoon but a storm came in and I felt I needed to stay and ride back Monday morning. I later found out that Mom and Dad drove around Sunday night looking in the ditches for me! Well they had NO phone so what was I supposed to do?
However here I was, a day away from heading back to school. I felt very sad that Mom and Dad were in the place they were but I could not do anything to change it. As for me I was kind of in turmoil with my place in life. I had gotten past my freshman year with passing grades but nothing to shout about. I had taken ROTC and gotten A's in all the classes but I was SURE the Air Force was not for me. I thought I had a voice that would lend itself to radio and guess what. I ended up in speech, not radio! Larry and I had stayed in the dorm last year but this year we were going to be off campus in a basement apartment. I was pretty sure I would be OK with money but then again not so sure. Dad had promised me $500 for the summer and that would get me into the winter quarter but I had to earn money during the year to get through. I was able to sign up for work in the barley department and that actually saved the year for me.
So here I was spending the last day of summer on the farm. My heart ached for Mom, for Dad and for Helen. I was sure I never wanted to be a farmer but yet in my heart I knew that my growing up years had been good. There were so many memories that I had and enjoyed yet there were so many questions I had with no answers. I knew that I would somehow pack the things I needed on my cycle and I would head out tomorrow for Fargo not knowing really what was in store. Well I did know that I would be rooming with Larry and that was a good thing. I was certain that living off campus would save me money and that would be a good thing. I knew that John, Dave/Marlys and Joan/Ron were in Fargo and that was a good thing but still it seemed that my life was up in the air. I had reconnected with Gail during the summer and I was not sure that was good. I thought it was but still there were so many questions.
So on September 5, Labor Day I mounted my Harley and headed back to continue my life with no real plans or goals in mind. I had no idea that my sophomore year in college would be the beginning of a life long journey where often God seemed so close and then so far away.
Today of course all that is history. One can look back and be thankful for the goodness of our mighty God. He is in all things big and small. Amen
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